You know what I’ve been thinking about lately? Aging.
Not like the age where you’re old, and have wrinkly skin, or if you are 10 and the world is opening up in a whole new way and you kinda get new thought ideas and stuff.
I’m talking about aging with life and physical age.
When was the last time you saw a picture of yourself? And you see it, and you remember what was going on at that time- whether it was a long time ago or just a month-, and then you look at yourself now.
And you really see the difference. The things going on, the things you’ve seen, you’ve felt, you’ve loved and you’ve lost. New things slide in and take place, and others slide out and away.
I see these pictures of myself, and I think of how I am not that Angela I was right then. My life is always changing, and I’m always learning and finding and seeing new things, or old things but with different eyes.
Through it all, though, there’s really one thing I know for sure. And even when I am not sure deep inside, when I get weak and lose sight, it doesn’t change the truth.
The truth is, I have a Savior that loves me. And I mess up a lot. Have too many wrong thoughts. Get stuff jumbled up. I don’t focus in as much. This reality is something I know of, but do not know. I know, logically, I am a part of this world. This reality. This time stream, these events, these words, these ideas, these doings, these next steps. The songs of this reality are something that never stop.
I try to listen but I can’t seem to get in the dances. I try to reach out but I can’t seem to grasp.
I have a rather hard time sometimes, stepping in to reality. I get lost inside others, ones that I find myself finding real- when they’re not. They are not this reality.
Sometimes I don’t get in swing with this reality very much, or well. It isn’t exactly I can’t stand this reality, that’s not it. I just love these other realities too.
I can’t quite begin into that ^ path today, its still a crazy jumble of galaxies.
But the buck is; I lose myself in other realities a lot. A lot a lot. And this reality ceases me, because I kinda drop out of it.
Which isn’t good.
My Mama, Dad, and Tory were talking to me… And I know what the truth is.
Its OK for me to love the other stuff… But THIS is my home, my people, my reality. Mine. And Yahweh’s.
I learned, from 3 of thee most amazing people ever, that I really have to start living in the now. Stop getting so distracted with these other things and fiction stuff, when I have my spectacular life waiting for me to live- right here. No secret portal. No dragon egg. No mad man in a box to come and take me on some grand run…(now, not saying these things can’t happen… Or I’m not really truly happy if they were to…;)) But the fact is… Some stuff is fiction, but this life is not.
Does that mean I can’t keep my other worlds? Well, I really doubt that would happen if I even tried- but the good news is no. I can indeed keep my beloved other mini realities… But this one. This earth. This time. This life. Its mine to live with God. I can’t put it off. I can’t ignore it.
Life is really short. I hate saying that. Mainly because it sounds pretty boring. We’ve all heard it before. But when you really think about it, it is true. And while life is short, a mad man with a box once said;
Some people live more in 20 years than others do in 80. It’s not the time that matters, it’s the person.
I could go on and on about the things I learn from fiction people… But that sounds rather childish, doesn’t it? We can learn this kinda stuff from real people, too. Of course, and I know this! That is what makes us people, people.
Oh dear, I really should stay on topic. Perhaps I’ll write about what fiction means to me truly another time.
But that quote is true. We can’t
THIS is my reality. This is who I am. Who I know. Who I love. What I do. What I see. Who helps me.
It has never been that I have been ungrateful for this life or this reality! But I probably shouldn’t dive into that rant! 😄 No, I don’t not appreciate this life at all!
I doubt myself constantly.
Since Meesha left, I never thought I felt enough. I never just broke down. I never had such an uproar of emotions (any kind) and it made me numb. I was numb. And I freaked out. I was supposed to be feeling something, right? Where were my feelings? Why had everything shut off, even from the stuff I loved?
It freaked me out for a while. It didn’t make sense. because even when Meesha was acting out and doing us wrong; I never felt anything hard or deep. If I did, it was in small blips and I barely noticed them.
I didn’t understand why I wasn’t feeling as much as last time.
I hated it. Sure, I felt stuff. But… I doubted each emotion I had. Was it true? Pure? Was I describing it wrong? Was that what I was really feeling? Was I just pretending? Making up an emotion I could feel?
Life kind of jumbled up and piled high for a bit, and that’s when I started to try super hard to figure stuff out. Logically.
But here’s the thing my sister Tory told me.
Just because I can’t logically lay out exactly what I’m feeling, or what’s inside me- doesn’t mean it is not real. I cannot map out step by step pinpoints on emotions. I just cannot. No one can. Its not possible for us.
But Yahweh knows. He knew what my problem was even before I did, and I just took forever to actually turn to Him for help.
And for me, God uses people a LOT. It wasn’t just me praying and begging; it was my family. I talked to them and opened up and through all of my paranoid, overthinking rambles, they always help me and get me through stuff.
I couldn’t have come to this place right now without them. I’d still be worried, and stressed, and really numb, and overall just doubting myself and losing a lot. I am so incredibly grateful God gave me my family; because this is just another time that they told me what I needed.
I see photos of my past, the memories, old or new… And I am not the same person exactly as I was. I’ve seen a little bit more. Loved with a new head full of thoughts. Fought a different battle. Helped in a different way. Laughed a different laugh. Saw a different face. Heard a different lyric.
The point is… We’re all the same as we were. At the core of our souls, we won’t change. God made us to be who we are. But there is so much more left to move, to change, to shift, to grow, to learn- that’s the amazing thing about being a human being with a soul. You’re always you, but you is not yesterday’s you.
Have you noticed? Have you seen the different look in your eyes, your Mother’s eyes, your Dad’s eyes, your sister’s eyes… There are so many experiences, we can’t keep up with them all, because a lot of the time, they’re small.
That’s another problem of mine. Not everything will come in a whack and pat. Nothing will ever be a perfect story. Nothing will always flow smooth. Nothing will ever be a swoosh and a happy ending (until God comes back!).
I only have this one life here on earth. Not forever. Time is short and bitter, time is long and beautiful, and sweet, and it will blink away from grip, and it will linger at your finger tips.
Yahweh put me here for His purpose. Maybe I won’t have some epiphany moment and have one entire life goal for that, I doubt that happens; but I have to live. Not sit by and wait for someone to tell me its OK. That I won’t screw up. That I actually have a spot here.
I have to stand up and find myself a spot. No time for waiting, no time for worrying, no time for spending time away in other realities to the point I lose myself from here.
I’m going to keep growing and learning and changing- but I’ll always be me. I can’t be myself unless Yahweh is with me; but He never leaves me or forsakes me. Its I that doubts too much and runs away.
And I do indeed feel. I was scared from being so numb to, it seemed, everything. But I’m not numb anymore. It took praying and talking and learning from God and my family to finally be at some peace again.
And right now? I can see pictures and I know I am not the same Angela; Satan will knock me down and hit me hard, but the Lord is always there to protect me and help me up. And to fight back.
Its up to me whether I can become the best I can be with God, for God- or stay fallen down all by myself. Wallow in self pity or stand up and try again?
I won’t be able to describe things logically or perfectly. But that is just how Yahweh wanted it to be. Our words are so limiting; I don’t think sometimes God wants us to use them to limit things He never wanted to be limited. Emotions are one of those things… And me, trying to figure out everything inside well enough to describe it, is nonsense.
Instead, I am going to live this life, this reality, this time of beats and lyrics and laughs and eyes and hands and thundering and water and sun and ground and hellos and trees and words and emotions and everything the Creator created for me. Reality isn’t in a book, so it is much more amazing, because its Author is the Highest of Kings!
Perhaps life is not that fairy tale, but it is so much better. Because we are not reading with our human words about how the nighttime stars twinkle abroad the deep sea sky; but rather, we lay beneath it, feeling it all in our soul, the truth and love the stars are whispering. We feel and see and love this ourselves, and just then, have no words.
”Thou rulest the raging of the sea: when the waves thereof arise, thou stillest them.”
”My flesh and my heart faileth: but God is the strength of my heart, and my portion for ever. ”
”But it is good for me to draw near to God: I have put my trust in the Lord GOD, that I may declare all thy works.”
”Blessed be the LORD my strength, which teacheth my hands to war, and my fingers to fight:
My goodness, and my fortress; my high tower, and my deliverer; my shield, and he in whom I trust; who subdueth my people under me. ”