I started off that morning crashing on the chair, to have Ma say she had something for me. She had found something on Facebook, and read it aloud for me (and Tory and Kody, who were in the living room, too, haha).
She gave me the title, which was ’10 Truths Only Writers Understand’. I didn’t know where this was going, and sorta expected something to laugh at, or some post about a writer complaining about writing, etc.
What it turned out to be was a freeing thing for me.
I am not going to copy the entire article, so, here is the article first. Go read it (of course)!
Mama told me who had wrote this after she was finished; and to hear the name Ted Dekker, about made me fall out in the floor with joy.
Y’all know I am a huge bookworm. I love books, I love reading (though I don’t have as much time for it anymore, but hey, those Francine Rivers novellas are returning to the shelves!) (update: I am on a roll again! I’ve been gobbling up books, but shall talk about this in a later post!); but, I really don’t have a list of my ‘favorite’ authors. Really, at all. I may like a book, and that be all. I may like a couple of books from an author, but still not be in love with the author/the books. I’m not the easiest impressed with modern authors, be inspired by them; OK, this may seem quite arrogant of me, but I find many looked up to authors to be sniffling idiots. There’s the truth.
I don’t really have writers that I find inspirational, or ones I look up to in some way, or find their work something I look up to as “I want mine to be like that in some way!”. I find myself looking and thinking more of C.S. Lewis and J.R.R. Tolkien and those sort of classic writers, if anyone.
To hear that these words [the article] were from Ted Dekker … And to hear my Ma, my sister Tory, and basically everyone, say that all of these truths were spot on for me in every single way… It was rather profound for me to see…
Because, on one hand, I love Ted Dekker. I haven’t even read like every single thing he’s ever written; I’ve only read half of ‘The Lost Books’, and ‘Blessed Child’ (the reason for not having finished these books is because I cannot find the ending books…), mainly because his books are geared more for adults. As soon as Mama says its OK for me to read some of his books as I get older; trust me, I’m going to breathe those books in as soon as I can.
Ted Dekker has a gift. His writings always leave me wanting more, but at the same time, knowing that that was just enough. His worlds are captivating, and make me dig a little deeper. He carves out these characters, these worlds, and nothing falls short. I think when I read his books; his gift to me, one of them, is to create this story, this world, and give such a powerful message- without preaching. I’m not saying preaching is a bad thing. But Ted Dekker crafts his stories into things with true meaning, that unravel truth, without making it feel like some mediocre sit down lesson.
You know what I find in him? I don’t see a fame crazed person who managed to flow some sentences together, and calls themselves a writer, when there really is no passion there. I don’t see someone in it for babbling off ‘this is the right way to write’, etc.
I see a real writer. I see real stories flow out into a work of fiction. I see soul appear in the making of an entire world, and many souls.
I don’t want to spend my life complaining about writing, or worried about whether people will like my books, or scared of choosing the wrong things for my story: this is what the majority of the ‘writer’ world is about I find. Doing everything perfect. Doing everything by the book. Have an entirely plotted out idea, instructed characters, take in everyone’s opinions about everything: Until you don’t have a book. A book is so much more than a bunch of rules, a bunch of boasts about how hard writing is, a bunch of constructed junk.
A book… I don’t think God ever gave me fiction so I could follow all the rules, follow everyone’s accepted versions and thoughts, to mold my words into what anyone else thinks they ought to be. (Not to say I don’t want to learn to be better, or just throw off what everyone says! That’s a foolish thing to do.)
Back to the article; I watched as Ma was amazed to see all of these things that were true for me, that she saw, in words. Tory was surprised and happy to find that she found, in a lot of cases, where she was now glad to find it hadn’t been her; just the way my brain worked. I had never really thought much on how anyone else might see me… How do I put it… Not understand me, or not know how to talk to me, or maybe not know if they were doing something right or wrong for me or not. That doesn’t put my thoughts into words… But to see Ma and Tory so excited to see this article describing me on pin point, was interesting. They both seemed assured, I think, to see the things they wondered about in words of a fellow writer. Ma seemed excited just to share this with me, because of all of the lows I’ve been experiencing lately; it really helped to see this. (Thank you, Mom. ♥)
It really touched me.
I think one reason Ma was so happy, was not only did the entire thing nail things on the head for me (almost to a way that was scary… xD), but because it sort of helps out the person who knows a writer. Which, haha, was sorta the point for the article… xD
The truth is… I do live in another world a lot. (Maybe ‘a lot’ is cutting it super short, but…) I have some story ticking away in my mind, some scenario, some scene… Something is playing out up here.
I see everything in a story. I see a story in everything. I don’t want to walk through this life and miss things… I want to see it all. Maybe I am not the best at handling things; but life is a huge story. I don’t want to write things that merely get on the shelves… I want to touch people. I want people to hear, even the faintest whisper, from the pages that have spilled out of my soul. I want to unfold truth, real worlds, real characters- the Lord is the Mightiest Author, and He is with me, and has given me this gift… I never want to kill it into a dull work or object. Writing, books, stories- its all so much bigger than this.
I’ve been struggling with quite a bit lately, and no matter what I’ve done, I haven’t felt at peace with the decisions I’ve made. Today, I saw something different in my Ma’s eyes, something different in my sister’s eyes… I won’t forget the looks, either. Perhaps, one day, I’ll even weave them in one of my books…
The Lord gave me these words, my imagination, my soul, my head, everything in me; to create. And, maybe I have over 5 books I’m working on right now (because I can not yet sit still…), but the point is: So many things are rolling and piling inside, if I don’t write them out to stay fixed, they’ll gobble up my mind and soul and burn to ash. And a mind full of ash is a hard thing to be happy with.
It was… Oddly freeing to have this article, to have my Ma read it to me, to ponder it all day.
I don’t think I’ve ever sat down and thought about from someone else’s point of view, on the subject of, well, me. I have not taken into a huge consideration that loving a writer would be such a mess… XD I sort of thought that I wasn’t a huge special case, and that people didn’t ponder me or have problems because of these reasons… And I was sort of blind, apparently… xD
I feel… Free.
There will always be weights trying to drag me down, and maybe I’ll be blind to a lot of things; but I never want to be perfect.
Thou knowest my downsitting and mine uprising, thou understandest my thoughts afar off. Thou compassest my path and my lying down, and art acquainted with all my ways. – Psalms 139:3
I feel free…
With everything going on in my life, these 10 very true things from Ted Dekker truly settled me.
Yahweh always gives me just what I need, exactly when I need it. He had me hear and see this article for a very good reason, and I am in awe of His mercy. No matter how much I doubt, worry, and am fearful- He stays strong, He stays my Rock. He doesn’t forsake me, even though I sin.
I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvelous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well. – Psalms 139:14
Without my family, I would be nowhere. I talk, and talk, and talk; bounce ideas, throw around concerns, ask about names, ponder about titles, ramble on about what I do and don’t like, what it going on; all about my books. And they listen. They help me way more than I can try and credit them for.
Sometimes, I feel alone. For lots of reasons. But, I don’t feel alone anymore. One of my beloved writers spoke straight from my soul, and spoke for my family; all in a way I found myself amazed because I wasn’t some annoying, freak, loud, weirdo.
I am created in God’s image: for one, its not right of me to put me down just for that reason, but, really, sometimes I have all these things jumbled up… And while I love it, in some way, I also find myself torn because… Why are things so different? Is it me making some huge deal out of nothing? Why doesn’t it feel right? Should I wish for different, or is this best? Through my tears, doubts, problems, you name it; while I felt alone, I was far from it.
My family, my friends, and my Savior were always there.
‘‘Fear not, believe only.” -Luke 8:50
I know and love the fact that I am not like others. I am who God made me to be. My own person. There are also ‘human moments’ where I feel like I am nothing special at all, and I mean nothing, and I won’t do anything.
I’m wrong in those above moments. Because God has a plan for me. He created me, and I believe, so I could also create. And whatever He has my hands to, or cause, or make- I give it all to Him.
I feel freed, to be who I am. Not to doubt myself. Not to feel stupid when I can’t excel in other areas, or sometimes, remember that this isn’t a book I’m writing, but actual real life (oopsies…). The Creator is the Ultimate Author; so no matter what the people say is the right way to write, I’m going to turn to Him, definitely.
“… but with God all things are possible…”
Its amazing what happens when you let your soul free. The Bible warns us about the shackles, the darkness, the sins- and God also gives us instructions on how to protect ourselves, and how to stand fast.
“Be not afraid, only believe.” -Mark 5:36
You know what really is so breathtaking, too? Jesus Himself tells me not to be afraid. He himself tells me what to do; believe.
And now… I’ve made my decisions (with my family always loving and helping me ♥), and now…
I feel free.
With the things I had been struggling over, I am at peace with. Sure, there are other big issues I had shoved away with a numb mind, and I find myself slowly being reminded of the pain it all actually caused me. But I’m not scared of facing the demons, anymore.
Behold, God is my salvation; I will trust, and not be afraid, for the LORD JEHOVAH is my strength and my song, he also is become my salvation. -Isaiah 12:2
Being OK doesn’t always happen over night. Just because it takes a while to be alright again, doesn’t mean we’re just stuck in this abyss of things never going to light again. With God, we can get through it all.
And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God: praying always with all prayer and supplication in the Spirit, and watching thereunto with all the perseverance and supplication for all saints. – Ephesians 6:17-18
Sometimes, things seem huge to fight. Too big to stand against. But those voices are not Yahweh; they stir fear, and fear is a sin. Those are not the voices to take as truth.
It has been a few weeks or so (I’m terrible at time frames…) since I started this post. A few weeks since this article came into my life.
And since, I have let myself go free.
And it is astounding.
I write my books, write and write and write- and I’ve trashed the garbage thoughts I had period. Trust me, there were plenty of those, but now- out the window. I dumped the doubt, and threw away the bad feelings.
Its amazing. I’m free again, and I thank God, my family, friends- and Ted Dekker, too. I have a life ahead of me, which I don’t expect to be perfect, and I certainly don’t want it to be perfect. I do want to live this life for the Lord. And the best part, is He is living it with me. 🙂
God calls us all to our own callings. God doesn’t expect us to be perfect cookie cutouts- all the same. He made us to be different. He made us wonderfully. No matter what I feel on my bad days, He doesn’t make mistakes.
I am free to be the being God made me to be. And while it is probably not acceptable to get lost in my own world when doing something important (one of my biggest fears when I drive… ); I do not have to be limited. (Well, other then those due dates… And, like the article said, sometimes even I do put off writing things because… Well, just ’cause…)
Writing, the worlds of fiction… To me, its sort of like digging into my soul, picking something, looking around me, seeing things, and stories and worlds begin to pour out. I know this is what God has given me.
Writing, creating, weaving stories, meeting characters- well, I’m getting giddy just saying those words… Writing has always been here for me, I’ve always turned to writing, and to have those chains I’ve allowed to get on me over the short span of time, get cut off- is just electrifying itself.
I don’t know what life has in store for me. God does. I look to Him in all things. I’m going to write as long as God has me live, if that be His will. Right now, I’ve got creations stirring; and through it all, I pray that what I put on paper, pleases the Ultimate Author.
God bless, and may your pen never run out of ink,