The Silent Sea

The Silent Sea

2/28/2016
Angela R. Watts

Hello silence,  my old friend,

I have come to see you again,

Though the winds change,

I find you in my range.

 

The surface of this sea,

writhes, turmoils, crashes and roars;

In your silence I see,

The sea is boiling under the still surface.

 

Do I recognize the silence,

do I see the depths,

of a sea that lays silent,

and the silence screams and screams.

 

Not a ripple to be seen,

not a wave to be shored,

time does not exist so keen,

and the colors slow.

 

Top of the sky,

falling to the bottom,

scavenge for the high,

touch the low.

 

Silence in my ears,

ringing, ringing,

reaching to my fears

step back, fall down.

 

Forever, forever, falling down,

into the silent sea,

engulfed by the still bound,

under water, the colors chasten.

 

Here, I see the silence,

The waves churning around,

The surface, the surface, just as silent

as it stays.

 

Under here, inside me,

The silence claws and pains,

Sinking, surely, is what I see-

And should I fear the silent calls?

 

My mind is dull, my fingers reach out in the sea,

to the sounds that whisper nothing,

nothing, nothing to me,

The silent sea I have seen.

 

One with the silence,

one with the depths,

of the world only I know, hence,

all the reason it is silent to me.

 

Could I swim this sea?

Though the vast surface is still,

the depths leave me to flee,

the raging, dying, silent tearing.

 

This silent sea,

the picture of perfect solitude,

left all to me;

I have disappeared in this silence.

 

I am pulled down, the surface now broken;

 

The surface is screaming, as I plummet slowly to the sea floor;

I see the surface begin to rush and crash, the lonely sighs

are no more, as the water begins to scream and roll.

 

Of the waters, out of the greatest turmoils and anguished cries;

Standing on the waves, the darkest waters underneath,

and the foamy sea cries no more, under the feet of the figure, it complies,

and the water turns to a calm, azure state.

 

Of the words of the figure,

I find the waters that engulf me vanished,

and not a drop of water will stir,

I look up, reach out, and the silence is no more.

 

Upon the water I stand, with my hand in the Calmer’s hand,

Over the sea I look,

the silence is no more, gone from this land,

and I see the water’s calm, and they sing praises instead of crying pains.

 

-Angela R. Watts

 

 

 

 

 

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In All The Galaxies

You know what I’ve been thinking about lately? Aging.

Not like the age where you’re old, and have wrinkly skin, or if you are 10 and the world is opening up in a whole new way and you kinda get new thought ideas and stuff.

I’m talking about aging with life and physical age.

When was the last time you saw a picture of yourself? And you see it, and you remember what was going on at that time- whether it was a long time ago or just a month-, and then you look at yourself now.

And you really see the difference. The things going on, the things you’ve seen, you’ve felt, you’ve loved and you’ve lost. New things slide in and take place, and others slide out and away.

I see these pictures of myself, and I think of how I am not that Angela I was right then. My life is always changing, and I’m always learning and finding and seeing new things, or old things but with different eyes.

Through it all, though, there’s really one thing I know for sure. And even when I am not sure deep inside, when I get weak and lose sight, it doesn’t change the truth.

The truth is, I have a Savior that loves me. And I mess up a lot. Have too many wrong thoughts. Get stuff jumbled up. I don’t focus in as much. This reality is something I know of, but do not know. I know, logically, I am a part of this world. This reality. This time stream, these events, these words, these ideas, these doings, these next steps. The songs of this reality are something that never stop.

I try to listen but I can’t seem to get in the dances. I try to reach out but I can’t seem to grasp.

I have a rather hard time sometimes, stepping in to reality. I get lost inside others, ones that I find myself finding real- when they’re not. They are not this reality.

Sometimes I don’t get in swing with this reality very much, or well. It isn’t exactly I can’t stand this reality, that’s not it. I just love these other realities too.

I can’t quite begin into that ^ path today, its still a crazy jumble of galaxies.

But the buck is; I lose myself in other realities a lot. A lot a lot. And this reality ceases me, because I kinda drop out of it.

Which isn’t good. 

My Mama, Dad, and Tory were talking to me… And I know what the truth is.

Its OK for me to love the other stuff… But THIS is my home, my people, my reality. Mine. And Yahweh’s.

I learned, from 3 of thee most amazing people ever, that I really have to start living in the now. Stop getting so distracted with these other things and fiction stuff, when I have my spectacular life waiting for me to live- right here. No secret portal. No dragon egg. No mad man in a box to come and take me on some grand run…(now, not saying these things can’t happen… Or I’m not really truly happy if they were to…;)) But the fact is… Some stuff is fiction, but this life is not.

Does that mean I can’t keep my other worlds? Well, I really doubt that would happen if I even tried- but the good news is no. I can indeed keep my beloved other mini realities… But this one. This earth. This time. This life. Its mine to live with God. I can’t put it off. I can’t ignore it.

Life is really short. I hate saying that. Mainly because it sounds pretty boring. We’ve all heard it before. But when you really think about it, it is true. And while life is short, a mad man with a box once said;

Some people live more in 20 years than others do in 80. It’s not the time that matters, it’s the person.

I could go on and on about the things I learn from fiction people… But that sounds rather childish, doesn’t it? We can learn this kinda stuff from real people, too. Of course, and I know this! That is what makes us people, people.

Oh dear, I really should stay on topic. Perhaps I’ll write about what fiction means to me truly another time.

But that quote is true. We can’t

THIS is my reality. This is who I am. Who I know. Who I love. What I do. What I see. Who helps me.

It has never been that I have been ungrateful for this life or this reality! But I probably shouldn’t dive into that rant! XD No, I don’t not appreciate this life at all!

I doubt myself constantly.

Since Meesha left, I never thought I felt enough. I never just broke down. I never had such an uproar of emotions (any kind) and it made me numb. I was numb. And I freaked out. I was supposed to be feeling something, right? Where were my feelings? Why had everything shut off, even from the stuff I loved?

It freaked me out for a while. It didn’t make sense. because even when Meesha was acting out and doing us wrong; I never felt anything hard or deep. If I did, it was in small blips and I barely noticed them.

I didn’t understand why I wasn’t feeling as much as last time.

I hated it. Sure, I felt stuff. But… I doubted each emotion I had. Was it true? Pure? Was I describing it wrong? Was that what I was really feeling? Was I just pretending? Making up an emotion I could feel?

Life kind of jumbled up and piled high for a bit, and that’s when I started to try super hard to figure stuff out. Logically.

But here’s the thing my sister Tory told me.

Just because I can’t logically lay out exactly what I’m feeling, or what’s inside me- doesn’t mean it is not real. I cannot map out step by step pinpoints on emotions. I just cannot. No one can. Its not possible for us.

But Yahweh knows. He knew what my problem was even before I did, and I just took forever to actually turn to Him for help.

And for me, God uses people a LOT. It wasn’t just me praying and begging; it was my family. I talked to them and opened up and through all of my paranoid, overthinking rambles, they always help me and get me through stuff.

I couldn’t have come to this place right now without them. I’d still be worried, and stressed, and really numb, and overall just doubting myself and losing a lot.  I am so incredibly grateful God gave me my family; because this is just another time that they told me what I needed.

I see photos of my past, the memories, old or new… And I am not the same person exactly as I was. I’ve seen a little bit more. Loved with a new head full of thoughts. Fought a different battle. Helped in a different way. Laughed a different laugh. Saw a different face. Heard a different lyric.

The point is… We’re all the same as we were. At the core of our souls, we won’t change. God made us to be who we are. But there is so much more left to move, to change, to shift, to grow, to learn- that’s the amazing thing about being a human being with a soul. You’re always you, but you is not yesterday’s you.

Have you noticed? Have you seen the different look in your eyes, your Mother’s eyes, your Dad’s eyes, your sister’s eyes… There are so many experiences, we can’t keep up with them all, because a lot of the time, they’re small.

That’s another problem of mine. Not everything will come in a whack and pat. Nothing will ever be a perfect story. Nothing will always flow smooth. Nothing will ever be a swoosh and a happy ending (until God comes back!).

I only have this one life here on earth. Not forever. Time is short and bitter, time is long and beautiful, and sweet, and it will blink away from grip, and it will linger at your finger tips.

Yahweh put me here for His purpose. Maybe I won’t have some epiphany moment and have one entire life goal for that, I doubt that happens; but I have to live. Not sit by and wait for someone to tell me its OK. That I won’t screw up. That I actually have a spot here.

I have to stand up and find myself a spot. No time for waiting, no time for worrying, no time for spending time away in other realities to the point I lose myself from here.

I’m going to keep growing and learning and changing- but I’ll always be me. I can’t be myself unless Yahweh is with me; but He never leaves me or forsakes me. Its I that doubts too much and runs away.

And I do indeed feel. I was scared from being so numb to, it seemed, everything. But I’m not numb anymore. It took praying and talking and learning from God and my family to finally be at some peace again.

And right now? I can see pictures and I know I am not the same Angela; Satan will knock me down and hit me hard, but the Lord is always there to protect me and help me up. And to fight back.

Its up to me whether I can become the best I can be with God, for God- or stay fallen down all by myself. Wallow in self pity or stand up and try again?

I won’t be able to describe things logically or perfectly. But that is just how Yahweh wanted it to be. Our words are so limiting; I don’t think sometimes God wants us to use them to limit things He never wanted to be limited. Emotions are one of those things… And me, trying to figure out everything inside well enough to describe it, is nonsense.

Instead, I am going to live this life, this reality, this time of beats and lyrics and laughs and eyes and hands and thundering and water and sun and ground and hellos and trees and words and emotions and everything the Creator created for me. Reality isn’t in a book, so it is much more amazing, because its Author is the Highest of Kings!

Perhaps life is not that fairy tale, but it is so much better. Because we are not reading with our human words about how the nighttime stars twinkle abroad the deep sea sky; but rather, we lay beneath it, feeling it all in our soul, the truth and love the stars are whispering. We feel and see and love this ourselves, and just then, have no words.

-Angela

”Thou rulest the raging of the sea: when the waves thereof arise, thou stillest them.”

-Psalms 89:9

 

”My flesh and my heart faileth: but God is the strength of my heart, and my portion for ever. ”

-Psalms 73:26

”But it is good for me to draw near to God: I have put my trust in the Lord GOD, that I may declare all thy works.”

-Psalms 73:28

 

”Blessed be the LORD my strength, which teacheth my hands to war, and my fingers to fight:
My goodness, and my fortress; my high tower, and my deliverer; my shield, and he in whom I trust; who subdueth my people under me. ”

-Psalms 144:-2

 

The Confederate Flag- The True Meaning And What it Means to Me

The Confederate Flag.

I'm so praying the Confederate flag doesn't get removed. It isn't racist. People are making up racism where it isn't there (not the first time).:

It seems all the liberals and democrats and people have been coming out screaming over this flag. The Confederate flag has gotten a lot of words and names.

People have definitely lost sight of the true meaning of yet another thing, turning it into something it is not (again). And, people have completely ignored their history text books that tell the truth.

I’ve been wanting to write this post for quite some time, and while I’ve dabbled some on Pinterest and Tumblr about the flag and my take on it, I decided to come all together for this. I know I have many followers on all of my sites that are against the flag, and if they are willing to listen to the facts and such below, I welcome them; if not, then its way OK. I’m not writing this to offend, necessarily, people. I’m not into debating for the pure Hades of it either- unless someone’s willing to listen or I’m simply stating something- no, I don’t enjoy debating much for no reason.

Now. Let’s get to the flag!

conf flag

The Confederate Flag. The 13 stars represent the 13 states. Those stars are in an ‘X’, basically saying those states do not belong to the Federal Government. The Southern States withdrew from the union, which ticked Lincoln off because it was going to ruin his plan.

The Civil War was not about slavery. Read up. The war was about money. Sound familiar? It should. To pop people’s bubble of Lincoln being some saint- which he was far from- Lincoln did not care about the slaves. ‘He wanted to free them! He did so! How does that make him evil?!” You ask. Well; see here, the North wanted to abolish slavery completely. Sounds cool, you say. The thing is, freeing slaves with a snap of Lincoln’s finger, would be this.

  •  Slaves did not have education. (Some did, now, some Southern slave owners did give their slaves an education)
  • Slaves had no outside work.
  • Slaves had no ties with people in other places.
  • Slaves had no money.

We threw the slaves into the world with no help or stability. Slaves couldn’t find jobs, couldn’t feed their families, etc… The South wanted to abolish slavery slowly. They wanted to give the slaves a head start- the basics to survive. Because of the North, the South didn’t get to.

The Civil War was about money, again. Not slavery. I’ve had some people say; ”it [the flag] was used basically as a symbol of pro-slavery….Flying the Confederate flag is basically supporting the South’s mindset to keep owning slaves during the Civil War” A common but VERY misshapen belief with protesters.

First off- here’s the thing. Yes, there were some Southerners who didn’t mind slavery. However, those few people DID NOT stand for all the South. The Confederacy was not for slavery. The war was about the North coming in and trying to take over the South- and the South rebelled. They stood away, standing up for their personal freedom. It had nothing to do with them saying slavery was OK.

”Only Southerners owned slaves.”

Entirely untrue! See! The statements of ‘Flying the Confederate flag is basically supporting the South’s mindset to keep owning slaves during the Civil War’ is entirely self defeating because during/before the war, NORTHERNERS OWNED SLAVES TOO.

Surprisingly, to many history impaired individuals, most Union Generals and staff had slaves to serve them! William T. Sherman had many slaves that served him until well after the war was over and did not free them until late in 1865.

U.S. Grant also had several slaves, who were only freed after the 13th amendment in December of 1865. When asked why he didn’t free his slaves earlier, Grant stated “Good help is so hard to come by these days.”

Contrarily, Confederate General Robert E. Lee freed his slaves (which he never purchased – they were inherited) in 1862! Lee freed his slaves several years before the war was over, andconsiderably earlier than his Northern counterparts. And during the fierce early days of the war when the South was obliterating the Yankee armies!

Lastly, and most importantly, why did NORTHERN States outlaw slavery only AFTER the war was over? The so-called “Emancipation Proclamation” of Lincoln only gave freedom to slaves in the SOUTH! NOT in the North! This pecksniffery even went so far as to find the state of Delaware rejecting the 13th Amendment in December of 1865 and did not ratify it (13th Amendment / free the slaves) until 1901!

(above 4 paragraphs source: http://www.rulen.com/myths/ )

The North used the slavery as a cover for what they really wanted- the South to lie down and roll over.

MYTH  –   The Confederate Battle Flag represented the Southern Nation.

FACT  –   Not true. While the Southern Battle flag was carried into battle, the Southern Nation had 3 different National flags during the course of the war.

The First National flag was changed due to a resemblance of the US flag.

The Second National flag was subsequently modified due to the similarity to a flag of truce.

The Third National flag was the adopted flag of the Confederacy.

The Confederate Battle Flag was never a National Flag of the Confederacy. It was carried into battle by several armies such as the Army Of Northen Virginia and the Army of Tennessee. Was also used as a Naval Jack by the Confederate Navy.

^(above source, http://www.rulen.com/myths/ )

MYTH  –   The South revered slavery.

FACT  –   A very interesting fact on slavery is that at the time the War of 1861 -1865 officially commenced, the Southern States were actually in the process of freeing all slaves in the South. Russia had freed it’s servants in 1859, and the South took great note of this. Had military intervention not been forced upon the South, a very different America would have been realized then as well as now.

The Confederate Flag is not ‘racist’ or ‘oppressive’. In order to be ‘racist’, the flag would have to stand for one race being superior to another. RACE had nothing to do with the South’s fight. FREEDOM did. The South had this flag (and the other flags) to represent them. It is a battle flag- a. Battle. Flag. The South was fighting for their rights, and the flag stood for that- it didn’t stand for ‘slavery is OK’. Period.

I have seen, in my little Southern, country town, MANY MANY MANY people, WHITE AND BLACK, flying the Confederate flag on their cars and trucks proudly. Willing to talk to people about the flags. SIMPLY BEARING THEIR HISTORY WITH PRIDE because we know it is not hate or racism. It is history and heritage. Here in the South, we love that. We don’t forget who we were, where we came from, we pay respect and have passion about right things. I see black and white people who love the flag for what it is.

Because all of this agenda with those KKK groups and the recent people shouting against the flag- they’re making the Confederate flag, and the South, into what its not. They’re lying and changing the truth. People have been doing that A LOT for the past years (its always been a human thing, though). If a person doesn’t like history, they change it to suit them. Its WRONG. The Confederate flag is an example of people making something into what it’s not, for their own agenda.

People against the flag can’t change what it truly means, though. No one has the right to ‘change’ our history or heritage, just because they don’t like it or something.

The government does not have the right to take away the flag.

The Confederate flag is a part of history. Plain and simple. A battle cry and battle shout, for the South to plunge into a war for their rights, freedom, and ways. People FOUGHT for those things, fought under that flag. Men died. Men lived. They found a cause they found extremely important and fought, no matter what, they fought for what the believed in, under a flag that stood for so much.

I am very passionate about the Confederate flag. Its something a I get fiery about. I am a die hard Southerner, a full country girl, an AMERICAN. That flag means so much to me in so many ways.

To me, that flag stands for staying strong in what you believe in. I love being Southern. I love being country. I love being America- because I love all three things. I  love God! And all three things come from him, 100%. As all four things; the flag touches me deep inside. It nestles there, burning bright with passion and love for the Confederate flag. Fighting. My soul burns for it. Fighting for what’s right, for America, for freedom. The South, that’s what we do. Like Hades we’ll roll over- that flag stands for a battle shout to plow on. ”Don’t tread on me!”

I hold that flag dear to my heart, its part of my history, my heritage- every Southerner’s. I really can’t consider you a true Southerner if you stand against it, personally. Because it should be naturally and burning for you to KNOW your heritage’s TRUE HISTORY AND MEANING. That’s another reason I love it. I know the truth, so I can’t not love the flag.

The flag, to me, means standing strong and fighting and flying high in freedom. Never stop fighting for what you know is right. No matter who’s in power. If God stands with you, who can stand against you? God stands in the right, no matter where we stand. The Alpha and Omega, He’s the One I fight for, and these flags, the AMERICAN RED, WHITE, AND BLUE and the Confederate flags, just cry it on.

These flags hold and show ideas, emotions, truths, reality, love, power, steadfastness, strength- these are a few things that make America GREAT. (and the South). For me, the flags go much deeper than how society wants to hold the Confederate flag as ‘racist’ and stuff- not only are there facts for this to be wrong- but deep inside, other people, like me, know it to be true that these flags are so much more than pieces of cloth.

I love that flag. I love the American flag. With a deep passion. MEN AND WOMEN fought for America. Are fighting. Have died and are dying- because they love what that flag stands for. Both flags.

american confederate flag - Google Search:

We fly this flag to remind us. To learn from the past. To know to keep going. We fly this flag because it means something to us. We fly this flag in respect of those who fell for it, for us, for the South. We fly this flag to remember, and love, and pay respect, and we fly it with pride because we love the South. We know our history and thank those who fought. The flag is a piece of our past, and we should never forget (or change for our own propaganda) our history.

This flag means something different to everyone. I have had someone say that ‘waving the Confederate flag didn’t achieve anything’; Flying the Confederate flag is NOT clinging to nothing. Its not clinging to something that doesn’t matter. As for ‘achieving’ something- really? Don’t make me laugh… Like I said before… The flag means a ton to me, I love it, and I have reasons to fly it. Not just ’cause I love it for what it stands for- but because it reminds me and everyone else- the South, we rebelled for what is right. And we should never falter to do so again if we must.

The Confederate Flag is not something you can change into a lie. People are trying to do so. Trying to write it off. You can’t, because the facts are there against you. (though anymore people don’t need facts, they lie to themselves)

Cool Rebel Flag Backgrounds | confederate flag graphics and comments:

This flag stands. I won’t stop flying it. I won’t forget. I won’t stand down. I love America, the South, the American flag, and the Confederacy flags- because they mean a sure Hades of a lot to me personally. And they meant a dang lot to the people who fought and died for them, out of pure love.

I’m sure I’ll get called names for being so ‘sentimental’. The ‘point of still flying the flag’ is that the fight will never end. Some. Fights. Do. Not. End. Not just this one.

Overall- The flag is not racist. Liberals, please pull on your big girl panties.

The war was not about slavery. On another note, added; both sides owned slaves, and the South was not saying slavery was OK. The flag has more meaning than you think, and unless your Southern, you don’t really get a say so on it.

GOD BLESS AMERICA! LAND OF THE FREE BECAUSE OF THE BRAVE.

-Angela

P.S. I do not own above pictures.

P.P.S. I may come back and add on this later. Or make a new post. I don’t know.

End note: I am not here to ‘hurt your feelings or beliefs’. This is my stand. Don’t like it? Unfollow, exit my page, and live on your life. Thank you!

The One Person

The One Person

The one Person

Who cared the most

gave loving advice

He/she seemed to have

weightless steps

and the

brightest smile

and the

kindest eyes

You could always

count on him/her to listen

to help

to care

They were a friend like no

other

They would live and effect

so many lives

And it seemed

nothing

could weigh

them

down.

They put others before

themselves

They’d die smiling,

soul weightless

mind deep

heart wide-open

But alas, that

One Person

is human.

We sometimes forget our

loved ones are human

They are different

but still

human.

They have

fears

and burdens

and scars, too

But they don’t carry them like weights, like

us.

They use them

as crutches

pushing them,

building them.

They

are different

but everyone has

limits

lines

Perhaps they will not

die smiling

They could die

scared

or alone

or tired

or in pain

They all say

life is not a fairy tail

Indeed, it is not

But life is life

Life is many things.

Life is a story

we must all live.

We

must all

live.

Sometimes out stories

live on

sometimes our stories aren’t as shouted.

But we live on, all of us.

In different ways. In hearts. In the future, in a

way we all don’t die. People might forget us eventually

but we impacted the earth

we can never be erased. So we cannot be forgotten.

Surely, The One Person

will be shouted from the

rooftops?

Oh, but Death

comes.

Death does not understand we want our

friend

to live

with us

forever

No, but he/she meant more to them

than he/she knew.

The One Person will die.

And since they were human

They will

indeed

smile

into

the face

of

Death.

Angela R. Watts

 

dghnirbvxc

 

Wings

What freedom

does the bird have

when they say

He has more

freedom

than humans

Maybe they are wrong

Because wings

can only take you so far

We have them not

But in

life

we seem to need

large, white wings

to fly away

and be

free

But would you have the courage

even to do that

-to fly and be free and alone

If we had no sky

and just ground

And to be free we must walk only

The bird would wish ‘for strong human legs

To walk, so that

he may be free

We do not need

wings of a bird

We all need

courage

and faith

and hope

and love

So that we may stretch the

legs

we have

And be

free

So our legs of freedom

of courage

and faith

and hope

and love

So we may

fly higher than they

Fly and be free

Free as the bird

in his sky

We shall find our sky. Yes, we will.

-Angela R. Watts